We need people. The sharing of ideas and resources, teamwork to overcome problems and accomplish goals, and safety in numbers are all essential to our survival – and to nurturing healthy relationships. In fact, the experiences of social isolation and loneliness have been shown to increase our mortality rate.
Many of us, especially those who have experienced childhood trauma, didn’t learn how to nurture relationships or communicate in healthy ways. Without realizing it, we may even be sabotaging our connections. Here are some quick tips to build and maintain strong relationships!
Finding/ Making Connections
- Facebook Groups: Do you like rock climbing? Do you enjoy playing Mario Kart? Do you have a grey cat? You can look up any interest on Facebook, and you’ll likely find a group of fellow individuals who also enjoy that thing.
- Ask your Connections to Introduce You: Ask to tag along with your friend’s next book club meeting, or ask to meet that friend they’ve mentioned you’d get along with.
- Choose Mutually Enjoyable Activities: When making plans with someone, ask yourself, ‘What resonates with them? ‘ Do they like to get active? Are they more of a homebody? Offer to choose an activity that is aligned with both of your preferences. When in doubt, ask the person directly about what they enjoy doing.
- Choose the Right People: Especially if you have a history of toxic relationships, take note of how you feel around new connections you make. Look for signs of a healthy connection, this is key when learning how to nurture relationships that are supportive and safe.
How to Nurture Relationships by Deepening Connections
- Listen More: Stay present with them while they speak and resist the urge to think of your response or relate the conversation back to yourself. Be curious about what they’re saying and ask follow-up questions. Show that you’re listening with your body language by leaning in and raising your eyebrows. People LOVE to be heard.
- Avoid Unsolicited Advice: Unless they’re asking for input, most of the time people don’t want to be told suggestions on what to do.
- Follow Up on Things Mentioned: If they previously mentioned feeling stressed about school or work, ask them about it. A quick text that says, “Hey – how did your meeting go?” shows that you remember and care about the events of their life.
- Embrace Vulnerability: We often seek out people who make us feel seen. However, we have to be able to show our true selves in order to be seen in the first place. It can feel risky to be vulnerable because not everyone will greet you with open arms, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It likely just means that that connection isn’t the best fit. The more you allow your authentic self to be revealed, the more likely you are to find someone who accepts you and is willing to show their authentic self in return.
Navigating Conflict
- Practice Curiosity: Seek to understand before seeking to be understood. Once people feel understood, they’re much more likely to be open to new perspectives. Hostage negotiator Karleen Savage developed three questions that reveal how curious you are in conflict (See her TED talk here):
- 1. Did you allow them to have their own story independent of yours?
- 2. Were you willing to hear their story without emotional or verbal backlash?
- 3. Did you allow their story to become part of the solution?
- Remember the Goal/ Intention: It can be helpful to identify the priority in any interpersonal interaction. Are you hoping to connect, stand up for yourself, or work toward a goal? A simple intention to keep in mind when navigating conflict is to approach it with love. Even if you’re upset with them, you want to treat important relationships with warmth and care.
- I Feel Statements: Use “I feel” statements to express your feelings without assigning blame, such as “I feel hurt when…” rather than “You always…” This approach reduces defensiveness and encourages collaborative problem-solving. Healthy communication patterns create a safe space where both partners feel heard and valued, even during disagreements.
- Using the DEAR MAN Skill for Assertiveness: Often, conflict can stem from unmet needs. If you struggle to voice your needs, consider developing this skill from Dialectical Behavior Therapy. This worksheet can help guide you through preparing for any conflict.
Avoiding Sabotage: How to Nurture Relationships in Healthy Ways
- Be Open to Feedback: This encourages them to build trust and feel free to reveal their inner feelings and reactions to you.
- Regulate Your Emotions: You are responsible for your own emotions! Have “emergency” coping tools on hand that you can use to limit emotional reactivity.
- Evaluate Your Expectations: Sometimes, the expectations we place on ourselves and others can keep us at a distance from people. Specifically, the perfectionism trait has been correlated with experiences of loneliness. As mentioned above, vulnerability is crucial for building intimacy with others. You don’t have to be flawless to win people over. In fact, it’s quite the opposite (Seriously… have you ever met someone who seemed “too” perfect? I’ll bet you didn’t feel very connected with them). If you struggle with perfectionism, strive to become more accepting of the human aspects of yourself and others.
If you’re not already, consider connecting with a clinician who can help you further develop your interpersonal skills.
